What’s the difference between negative feedback and constructive feedback?

Ohhh careful. It may be oh so little. And when it drifts into negative, the relationship may begin to suffer.

Here at Skirt Strategies, we have put together a little training video that takes you into 4 considerations when delivering constructive feedback:

1. Context
2. Language
3. Timeliness
4. Reactions

TIP: Play the video on your SmartPhone while on the go, and you can get by with just the audio portion.

More in the video!

 

If you are the type that digs the training, take ours weekly. Learn about assignments for subscribed members.

 

PODCAST TRANSCRIPTION

 

Katie: Hi it’s Katie.

Carol: And Carol.

Katie: From Skirt Strategies. It’s another training for you – a video training which we think is a fabulous way to learn.

We think it’s a great way to learn big things and little pieces in this topic.

Carol: Yeah. It’s a big topic. The Art of Giving Constructive Feedback.

Katie: Maybe we should add on a subtitle – without leaving a trail of bloody bodies behind you.

Carol: Katie loves that and it’s true. I mean, that’s really what this is about. It’s about giving constructive feedback without having hurt feelings.

Katie: We put training together in small manageable sizes that we call – “Tiny trainings that give big results.” And that’s what you’re here for – a small…

Carol: And can I just say – we do that for you, because we know you don’t have a ton of time to manage extra in your life. So we’re trying to give it to you in tiny trainings.

Katie: In fact, while we’re recording this, Carol has a Bouillabaisse going in the kitchen. And that’s true.

Carol: It’s called multi-tasking, right?

Katie: I am crazy impressed. So here I am – fiddling with recordings and she’s making Bouillabaisse.

Let’s start into this with a sense about feedback in itself. Why is feedback important and what are some things to remember? Well, know that it means that you care.

Carol: Yeah. You don’t give it if you don’t care, right?

Katie: Yes, right. You give a flip. And to do that, you’re putting some effort into it. We’re going to show you how to put that effort in a way that will work for you.

Feedback is contagious.

Carol: Right. But remember, that works in a bad way too. So running around, leaving bloody bodies in your wake…

Katie: Encourages others.

Carol: Yes, it’s also contagious. So be careful about how you’re giving feedback.

Katie: I would ask those of you that are listening – to think about the work environments where you dwell.

And if they are indeed, those that tend to lean towards the positive side – where somebody gives some positive feedback, our human reaction is to want to give back. And so, we perpetuate it with more positive feedback. But the same thing as Carol said – happens if you’ve got an environment that’s kind of toxic.

Feedback is easy to overlook. You cannot do it. It does take an effort, but it’s almost always worthwhile.

Carol: It is. And people want to know how they’re doing.

Katie: The last thing we say – (which is one of our favorite lines) “Feedback is a gift.”

Carol: So when you’re getting feedback, think of it as a gift. And when you’re giving feedback, think of it in that kind of generous, giving way.

Katie: Right. So we’re going to narrow down that – just giving and taking feedback. We’re going to narrow it down to the giving part and you can give positive and you can give negative and we’re going to narrow it down to the negative. We’re not going to call it negative. We’re going it corrective because it sounds more diplomatic.

Carol: Right.

Katie: We’re going to call it corrective feedback, delivering it to others in a way that is positive.

Carol: There you go.

Katie: Yay! It sounds like there should be theme music at this point.

Here are the four major pieces that Carol and I – would say to remember. And we’ll define each of these.

4 Major Pieces of Giving the Feedback

• (Give it context.)
• Watch your language.
• Consider the timeliness.
• Keep in mind what happens with human reactions.

Carol: Yes, doing this in a human environment.

Katie: People do react. The first one – Give it context.

Carol: So what do you mean by that, Katie?

Katie: Well, what I mean by context – is if you deliver a message in a way that answers the, “So what?” or it gives it meaning on a bigger level, it gives it a context and the person that is receiving it is more likely to get it. (Not just get it, but get it.) “Oh! I get it!” You know, that kind of get it. And put it into play – in a way that’s going to work.

Carol: And why it’s important to put it into play, right?

Katie: Right. So it gives the person the applicability of it right off the bat.

Carol: Right.

Katie: So for example; you’re an employee and you work for me, Carol and I’m trying to work on your listening skills. And I’ve noticed that with some of our clients, your listening skills aren’t so great.

If I want to have you work on it or I want us to work on it together, I might give you some constructive feedback about what is it I’ve observed about your listening skills.

Now, I can do it in a way that’s really abrupt and reactive. “Carol. You need to work on your listening skills.”

Carol: Right. “Okay, thanks.”

Katie: Yeah, and so specific too. Or I can give it in the way that gives it context. “Carol – you and I talked last week about how important it was for you to be setting a goal for listening better.”

You maybe even set a goal for it – whatever fits into the bigger picture. “Carol – you and I have talked about how you want to be better at it.” That has given it context.

Now, everything I say from this point on – she’s all ears because it fits into – You want to be better at it.

Carol: Right.

Katie: Right?

Carol: Right. So I’m listening now because it’s part of my bigger goals and yours as well.

Katie: Here’s another example.

Carol: Right. That’s the context.

Katie: Right. So here’s an example on the screen.

“I know that recently you’re interested in improving your customer service skills during the recent interaction where Mr. Johnston walked into the lobby and asked for something. I noticed that you seemed flustered.”

Carol: Right.

Katie: And now, we have a conversation where you and I – in a caring tone (which we’re going to talk about tone next.) I can set the scene for you and I working on it together.

Carol: So give it context and it’s a We form, not a You form necessarily.

Katie: I’m more likely to go out and make it happen.

Carol: Right.

Katie: The next piece – Your feedback language.

Well, I don’t think there’s rocket science to this one. Although, we do have some scripting that helps.

The first one is the tone. Think in your head about – “I care. I want this to be appropriate. I want this to be worthwhile. I want the other person to feel like they’re valued.”

If you have that going on in your head, your language is going to reflect it, right?

Carol: Right.

Katie: And then, the second piece with your language – is you can script some things.

We think that we have to be good off the cuff, but you can start off a conversation in a way that’s scripted and then you’re more likely to know that it will start off on the right foot.

Carol: Sure.

Katie: That’s great.

Carol: And especially, for a difficult conversation. And many times, corrective feedback is a difficult conversation. So we always say you can script the first sentence. But after that, it kind of left on its own, it’s left to fate.

But if you come in within your tone and your language and everything else is kind of that We form and positive, then you have a much better outcome.

Katie: Much better. Here are some examples for you because I know you’re probably wanting some help with it.

One of our favorites is, “Here’s what I’m seeing and here is how it affects me.”

That’s a backup line for me – when I’m in a situation where I’m feeling like I need to give somebody some feedback or maybe it’s a conflict situation.

Here’s what I’m seeing – focuses on your perspective,  I, I, I. Here’s how it affects me, focuses on the impact that’s having to me. Not what your intent is, not how you screwed up my day, you this, you that, or you meant to do this.

It takes it completely off of the other person. Then you can get into the dialogue.

Carol: Right.

Katie: Other options – the Tell-Ask Technique.

Carol: And I really love this one.

Katie: Thank you to my husband psychologist for this one.

Carol: Yes.

Katie: I’ve noticed the need for clarifying the ground rules. What are your observations? Statement – Question. That’s the Tell and the Ask.

Carol: Love it! Well, and especially as a boss. You know, you don’t want people guessing what answer they need to give.

Katie: Right.

Carol: You know? I mean, “Do I really think she wants me to say this? Here’s how I feel. How do you feel?”

Katie: Give the other person the option. Jump in.

Carol: Right.

Katie: This works for couples. “I’m in the mood for steak tonight. What would you like?” And I know so many couples that was – “I don’t care. I don’t care.”

Carol: You’re driving down the road and you still don’t know where you’re going.

Katie: Okay, the next piece – Timeliness. Something to consider.

Carol: “How soon is too soon?”

Katie: How soon is too soon – to give somebody feedback?

Carol: Well, I think anytime you are reactionary, you’re mad, you’re upset, something has happened, slow down.

Katie: Okay. Good to know.

Carol: Go home. Think about it. Come back with a plan.

Katie: Yeah.

Carol: Yeah, so timeliness. And then, you can also wait too long.

Katie: Right.

Carol: It’s not a topic anymore, it’s not. “Remember couple of months ago when you such and such…” That doesn’t work.

Katie: Well, that’s why just in time – training has been so great. It’s applicable. It’s, “Oh! Now, I know what you’re talking about.”

Carol: Sure.

Katie: And I remember what you’re talking about. Give it too long, “I don’t remember.”

And the last piece which is one to consider is – What about people’s reactions?

Carol: Oh. That’s why we fear these conversations a lot of times – is because you’re not sure how somebody else is going to react and you have to get over that.

Katie: Get over it.

Carol: Your boss – you need to get over that. You need to just deal with the way they react. Know that you’re not leaving a trail of bloody bodies, that you are really working towards a mission, a vision, a goal and – “I’m sorry, but everybody has to fall in line here.” Put on your big girl panties.

Katie: If you follow the right track here, if you’ve said it with care, if you haven’t been condescending, if you’ve used a lot of the Me versus the You, if you’ve observations instead of inferences, you’ve had your head on you square and you have gone about it in a way that was appropriate. You’re less likely to have people reacting.

For those of the people that we work with who are going to overreact anyway, right? This is going to sound kind of counter-intuitive. I recommend that you go ahead and deliver the corrective feedback. You let them know that you want to come back around. You wanted them to sit on it for just a little while and then, you want to come back around and talk about it next week or whenever. And then, you ignore the fact that they got reactive.

Carol: I like that. I mean, they’re going to have to stew in it a while possibly.

Katie: Yeah, that’s fine.

Carol: And that’s okay. Let them stew.

Katie: We too often think, “Well, they got defensive.” And we conclude mentally, “Then I shouldn’t have said it.”

Carol: Right.

Katie: But that’s not necessarily true.

Carol: Because you need the behavior corrected – you wouldn’t have said anything otherwise.

Katie: Exactly. So be tough with it.

Carol: Right.

Katie: So those are the four areas. The context. (Consider the context.) Carefully think through your language. Make it timely. And then, I’d say pre-think some of those reactions. And if there are something that you might do differently based on how you think they might react, then maybe it helps you plan, maybe not.

Lastly, what about you? What about where you are on all of these? Because this is training, (you and I are great at getting people to think) we haven’t just dumped it on you, we really want you to consider what of those 4 areas are you good at, which areas you want to be just a little more fine-tuned or this is for you?

Carol: And we’d love to hear from you. So don’t hesitate to email – either Katie or I. katie@skirtstrategies.com or carol@skirtstrategies.com. We would really love to hear from you and see where you are on all of this.

Katie: And this is the walk away from it. It’s not rocket science, as I say – although, I love rocket science.

Carol: You are a rocket scientist.

Katie: But you can look at feedback as the opportunity that helps you kind of get in there.

Check yourself. Many of us find ourselves giving corrective feedback because it makes us feel superior or it makes the other person, shuts them up. Do you have ulterior motives?

Carol: Yes. Be careful.

Katie: I know that’s kind of a mental thing. But are you really doing it for the reason you need to be doing it? Is it a truly heartfelt sense that you want to help the other person get better at something?

Carol: Then check yourself and make sure you’re not leaving bloody bodies behind.

Katie: Yeah, and be brave. Jump in there and do it. Especially if you tend to be more of a little fear and self-doubt about jumping in and giving people the corrective feedback.

So keep in touch with us. We’re at Skirt Strategies. If you like having a little bit of training – if you get emails from us at all, that means you’re on our mailing list and we’d love for you to stay on it.

If you want it just a little bit more, we do offer regular ongoing online training. We also offer a subscription membership for our members that want to have regular small pieces of training – we call them Tiny Trainings. And they get a big impact because they’re working on small things in regular increments.

Carol: Consistently.

Katie: Right. So there is a membership at our site – skirtstrategies.com/membership. That’s super cheap and it helps you hold yourself accountable and become a lifelong learner.

Love having you with us! Keep in touch with us. Thanks Carol.

Carol: Thanks Katie.

 

[MUSIC PLAYS]

 

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]